2/23/14, A How-To

Step One: Go to guitarist's house in Phoenixville for to bring him to band practice in Conshohocken.

Step Two: Hit pothole on the way but forget that it happened.

Step Three: Pick up guitarist. Be sure to explain what a pleasant ride it was and what a good day it will be.

Step Four: Drive for two minutes and then hear crazy sound from general wheel-area.

Step Five: Pull over by the scenic Phoenixville Spillway.

Step Six: Cognize back right tire's flat flat nature.

Step Seven: Exchange flat for spare while joking with guitarist about methods for not losing lugnuts.

Step Eight: Cut your ankle on the sharp end of the lugnut wrench.

Step Nine: Wonder why everyone keeps honking at you before guitarist notices that you left your fucking door wide open.

Step Ten: Just before you get back into your car and forget about it all again, be sure guitarist cognizes front right tire's flat flat nature and as a result shouts an expletive, on account of who ever thought they'd need two spares at once.

Step Eleven: Call two friends to get the numbers of six towing places or tire places. Make sure guitarist calls some of them too so you can rest your brains. Otherwise you will go bonkers.

Step Twelve: While you wait 30-40 minutes for Pee Jay's towing to pull through, squeeze a wad of snow in your hand to dispel black tire filth from your fingers. Make sure it doesn't work very well.

Step Thirteen: Nobody will want to come help you except the guy from Pee Jay's in a flatbed and a stranger with a cigar in a big red pick-up truck who both come at the same time. Thank them both furiously.

Step Fourteen: After the guy in the truck disappears, do whatever the guy from Pee Jay's says. Eventually you and guitarist will be in the passenger seats of his flatbed and he will tell you about his black cherry-colored convertible with a coffee-colored interior that got totaled.

Step Fifteen: The Pee Jay's man will tell you that the tow costs ninety dollars. Your guitarist will tell you he has five dollars to pitch in.

Step Sixteen: The Pee Jay's man will drive you to Sears Auto Body Garage & Shop in King of Prussia. He will tell you that the tow costs ninety-five dollars. Give him ninety-five dollars.

Step Seventeen: Listen to the mechanic at Sears tell you that the replacement tires cost sixty four dollars each.

Step Eighteen: Be like "That's fine, put me down for two." He will disappear for a spell.

Step Nineteen: Wait until the mechanic returns to you. He will say "Your car is an all-wheel drive car with a flat tire, we must replace all four tires of all-wheel drive cars with flat tires, hence we must replace all four tires of your car. This will cost three hundred and thirty six dollars."

Step Twenty: Tell the mechanic, "There is a one hundred percent chance that I will not pay that. Perhaps you can put my good tires on one axle and the new tires on the other one."

Step Twenty-One: Listen to the mechanic say, "We're sort of handcuffed. The policy is that we must replace all four wheels. Either you pay $336.00 now or 2000.00+ later because your transmission."

Step Twenty-Two: Say, "If there is a one hundred percent chance that I will not pay for four wheels, and there is a one hundred percent chance that you will not sell me only two wheels, then there is a one hundred percent chance that I will go buy two wheels somewhere else."

Step Twenty-Three: Call AAA, whose services you forgot that mommy and daddy paid for already.

Step Twenty-Four: Wait for AAA-rated tow man to come outside of Sears. Talk to guitarist about Siribhoovalaya. He will tell you that he was holding out on you before and that he has ten dollars to spend on booze, drinking which will make you less upset about your bad day. Take him up on his offer as people walk by the two of you, who are sitting on the sidewalk in front of a Sears talking about buying booze.

Step Twenty-Five: The second tow-man will try to tow a different Subaru Legacy in the parking lot. Do not let him. Tell him the correct Subaru Legacy is within the garage.

Step Twenty-Six: Perform again the driving of your two-ish-wheel car onto the tow-man's flat-bed truck.

Step Twenty-Seven: The tow-man will ask you where you were intending to go in the beginning. Tell him band practice, and that you make "haunted house" style punk rock.

Step Twenty-Eight: Disagree with him when he asks if your music is a fusion of Green Day style and Insane Clown Posse style. Describe "Skeletron" to him.

Step Twenty-Nine: He will take you to another garage that sells and installs tires. Tell him "Perhaps you can put my good tires on one axle and the new tires on the other one."

Step Thirty: Enjoy fifteen seconds of euphoria as he says that he will both do that and charge only one hundred and sixty eight dollars, which is basically free, you realize, compared to what the goofballs at Sears were scheming for.

Step Thirty-One: Say, "But this other place said four wheels." Listen to him explain that some people will hope to sell four wheels because they are more expensive than two wheels, and people who sell things often want to sell more expensive things rather than less expensive things.

Step Thirty-Two: While the mechanics do everything you want, drink complementary coffee in the waiting room and with your guitarist compare Alien (1979) to Prometheus (2012). Hand over the $186.00 gold pieces when that special time comes.

Step Thirty-Three: Drive away from King of Prussia forever towards Conshohocken, where you will enjoy at least a brief band practice, as it is six already for crying out loud.

Step Thirty-Four: As you drive through Norristown on your way to practice, notice a Pizza King advertising beer.

Step Thirty-Five: Make a right turn onto Pizza King Street and realize only as the police car's lights appear that you turned onto a one way street, and you went way #2.

Step Thirty-Six: Receive $127.50 ticket from Officers Bishop and Lawless.

Step Thirty-Seven: Purchase beer elsewhere.

Step Thirty-Eight: Make it to male vocalist's house in Conshohocken, where female vocalist and drummer have been since one.

Step Thirty-Nine: Practice Throne Pie, Great Gray Hag, The Throng, Bony Deacons, Skeletron, Vipers' Rite, and Mr. Maxwell Trask's Spondaically Monometric Eulogy.

Step Forty: Write, "Step One…"