Fack About 'It Spits You Out'

Q: What?

A: It's an anthology of short stories I just self-published that you can purchase for twelve bucks here.

Q: I'd totally love to buy your thing but twelve bucks is a little steep for just a wad of dead plant material.

A: The price wasn't my choice but you're probably right. Which of these looks more familiar to you:

The Things That I Need To Buy
i. Beer
ii. Weed
iii. Burrito
iv. Cigs
v. Rock and roll record
vi. Chow fun w/ tofu
vii. Rock and roll CD
viii. Pot
i. Flour
ii. Water
iii. Rent
iv. Thatching

Clearly if you fall into the second column, and are only buying four things, you are stretched much less tightly than you desperate lot in the first column, who must buy eight things, and so have no excuse not to buy the bookie if you want it.

Q: I guess, but what's in it?

A: The names of the stories, (in the order that they appear!) are: i. "Bob White," ii. "The Dancing Mug," iii. "Another Ride," iv. "Cecily Garden," v. "It Spits You Out," vi. "The Voice Of Temperence," vii. "Eel-Thing," viii. "Public Napkin," ix. "A Man Rode A Metal Horse," x. "De Slang," xi. "Embitterment on the Bridge," xii. "The House That Fed On Blood," and xiii. "Eve and Erling."

Q: That's fine, but how long will it take me to read?

A: Well, if you read 336 words per minute, it will take you 148.985 minutes to read, or an average of 11.5 minutes per story.

Q: Yeah, but how long is it?

A: Fifty thousand words.

Q: I mean PAGES. How many PAGES is it?

A: I think three hundred or so.

Q: Oh, that's not very long. My daughter wrote a really good book, I think it was longer than yours.

A: What is it about?

Q: Well, she's just entered college now, so it may be a while before she finishes it because she has to balance it with her school work.

A: I hope I can read it someday.

Q: You should just write a screenplay, and quit wasting around with all this book stuff.

A: I like writing stories better because after you're done writing a screenplay you still have work to do: you have to find actors, and they all have other **** to do, and a camera, and extra batteries for the camera because the one that came with the camera has like a twenty minute life, and a set and props and a key grip if you're lucky and even when you finish filming not all artistic aspects are present yet since you have to "clean it up in post." When you finish a story you can go to bed.

Q: You ought to get ScreenplaySoft, this software that helps you write screenplays.

A: I should be grateful for your advice. I wish everybody thought about my writing as much as you do! Do you want to read anything? I have a book out by the way!

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