<HTML> <HEAD> <STYLE type=text/css> table { border-right: 5px solid #00DD00; border-top: 5px solid #00AA00; border-bottom: 5px solid #00DD00; border-left: 5px solid #00AA00; } td { border-right: 1px solid #00DD00; border-top: 1px solid #00AA00; border-bottom: 1px solid #00DD00; border-left: 1px solid #00AA00; padding: 5px } </STYLE> <TITLE>Prefix Frenzy</TITLE> </HEAD> <BODY text=#00DD00 bgcolor=black> <h1><center>Referee Calls Shots</center></h1> <h2> <p>Why is someone you're no longer seeing called an "ex?" Like an ex-husband or whatever. Unconsciously we all think it's because first, you have a husband, and then when you get divorced you put an X over your husband. But then, everyone all learns at the same time that "ex" is actually a Latin preposition meaning "from" or "out of," and it's derived "from" the Proto-Indo-European grunt "*h<sub> </sub>e<sup></sup>s," meaning the same. <p>This all indicates that if you ever called anyone an ex-anything, you deserve to have your thick glasses broken over your gigantic schnoz, because the term we use in English for a person who ornaments their speech with <i>Latin prepositions</i> is "<i>valueless dork slash sack of total ****</i>." <p>Or on the other hand if you abide by "Cosmic Dictionary" theory, just define it in reverse: <p>A: Why is someone you're no longer seeing called an "ex?"<br> B: Because you're no longer seeing them. Duh. Think about it. That's why they're called your <i>ex</i>. <p>This theory posits that there's a cosmic dictionary somewhere in space that has no author, has existed for all time, and whose entries are devoid of etymology sections, and therefore, that you need only a thing's name to know the reason it has that name: <p>A: Why are lanterns called lanterns?<br> B: Because they give off light. That's what a lantern <i>does</i>. <p>A: Why do I have to go to work?<br> B: Hey, pal, that's why it's called a <i>job</i>. <p>A: What does "Einstein" mean?<br> B: He was one of the 20th century's most intelligent figures. That's why he's called <i>Einstein</i>. Which is to say, the word "Einstein" <i>means</i> that guy. <p>A: Why is this tasty pasta dish called "tortellini?" <br> B: Because it is pasta in the form of little ring-shaped cases containing a filling (as of meat or cheese). <p>A: Why is this tasty pasta dish called "rigatoni?" <br> B: Because that's what it is. It <i>is</i> rigatoni. That's why it's <i>called</i> rigatoni. <p>Another way of explaining this perplexing theory of reference is by moving on from, and entirely forgetting, the subject, in favor of listing all the clades in between dinosaur and flamingo, even though tons of the information below is plagiarized from a website you probably have a tab open of, some of the information is wrong, and some doesn't even make any sense: <p><TABLE border=10> <TR> <TD align="center">Name of Clade<br> (Translation) </TD> <TD align="center">Summary </TD> <TD align="center">Example 1 </TD> <TD align="center">Example 2 </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center"> Dinosauria<br> (Terrible Lizards) </TD> <TD>A big scary reptile </TD> <TD align="center">Stegosaurus </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center"> Saurischia<br> (Lizard Hips) </TD> <TD>A dinosaur with a three-pronged hip </TD> <TD align="center">Allosaurus </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center"> Theropoda<br> (Wild Beast Feet) </TD> <TD>A saurischian with arms and legs </TD> <TD align="center">Daemonosaurus </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Neotheropoda<br> (New Wild Beast Feet) </TD> <TD>The theropods surviving the Tr-J<br> Extinction Event </TD> <TD align="center">Sarcosaurus </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Averostra<br> (Bird Snouts) </TD> <TD>A neotheropod with an extra opening<br> in the front outer side of the maxilla </TD> <TD align="center">Ceratosaurus </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Tetanurae<br> (Stiff Tails) </TD> <TD>Averostrans with "specialized wrist bones,<br> the absence or reduction of the fourth digit<br> of the hand, a strap-like scapula, stiffened<br> tails, and a laminar astragalar ascending<br> process." </TD> <TD align="center">Cryolophosaurus </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Orionides<br> (Captain Membrane) </TD> <TD>A group comprising Megalosauroidea and<br> Avetheropoda, which isn't very interesting<br> and doesn't have any exciting bone<br> terminology, which sucks. </TD> <TD align="center">Duriavenator </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Avetheropoda<br> (Bird Wild Beast Feet) </TD> <TD>Basically same deal as above only<br> comprising Coelurosauria and<br> Carnosauria. What <i>binds</i> those<br> two groups, is what I'd kill to know. </TD> <TD align="center">Giganotosaurus </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Coelurosauria<br> (Hollow-Tailed Lizards) </TD> <TD>"Characteristics that distinguish coelurosaurs<br> include a sacrum longer than in other<br> dinosaurs, a tail stiffened towards the tip, a bowed<br> ulna, and a tibia that is longer than the femur." </TD> <TD align="center">Tyrannosaurus </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Maniraptoriformes<br> (Hand Snatcher Shaped) </TD> <TD>Coelurosaurians with "pennaceous feathers and<br> wings." </TD> <TD align="center">Shenzhousaurus </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Maniraptora<br> (Hand Snatchers) </TD> <TD>"Characterized by long arms and three-fingered <br> hands (though reduced or fused in some lineages),<br> as well as a 'half-moon shaped' bone in the wrist.<br> The only dinosaurs known to have breast bones." </TD> <TD align="center">Alvarezsaurus </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Pennaraptora<br>(feathery snatcher) </TD> <TD>"The clade stemming from the first panavian<br> with... remiges and rectrices, that is, enlarged, <br>stiff-shafted, closed-vaned (= barbules <br>bearing hooked distal pennulae), pennaceous<br> feathers arising from the distal forelimbs and tail." </TD> <TD align="center">Conchoraptor </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Paraves<br> (Near Birds) </TD> <TD>"An increasingly asymmetric wrist joint, a trend<br> that can be traced back to primitive coelurosaurs,<br> allowed the forelimbs to elongate and an<br> elaboration of their plumage, traits that made<br> the evolution of flapping flight possible." </TD> <TD align="center">Anchiornis </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Avialae<br>(Bird Wings) </TD> <TD>"Jacques Gauthier, who named Avialae in 1986,<br> re-defined it in 2001 as all dinosaurs that <br>possessed feathered wings used in flapping<br> flight, and the birds that descended from them." </TD> <TD align="center">Archaopteryx </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Euavialae<br>(True Bird Wings) </TD> <TD>"a group of birds which includes all avialan<br> species more closely related to modern birds,<br> than to the primitive, long-tailed birds<br> Archaeopteryx and Jeholornis." </TD> <TD align="center">Jixiangornis </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Avebrevicauda<br>(Birds With Short Tails) </TD> <TD>"A group which includes all avialan species<br> with ten or fewer free vertebrae in the tail." </TD> <TD align="center">Sapeornis </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Pygostylia<br>(Rump Column???) </TD> <TD>"Pygostylia was intended to encompass all avialans<br> with a short, stubby tail, as opposed to the long,<br> reptilian tails of more primitive species like<br> Archaeopteryx." </TD> <TD align="center">Confuciusornis </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Ornithothoraces<br>(Bird Thoraxes) </TD> <TD>Their "anatomy includes a large, keeled<br> breastbone, elongated coracoids and a<br> modified glenoid joint in the shoulder,<br> and a semi-rigid rib cage." </TD> <TD align="center">Rapaxavis </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Euornithes<br>(True Birds) </TD> <TD>These "species retained primitive<br> features like belly ribs and a pubic <br>symphysis. They also showed the<br> first fully modern pygostyles." </TD> <TD align="center">Archaeorhynchus </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Ornithurae<br>(Bird Tails) </TD> <TD>All birds possessing a short tail<br> and not a long horrid lizard tail. </TD> <TD align="center">Hesperornis </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Neornithes/Aves<br>(New Birds/Birds) </TD> <TD>All the birds which are related <br>to each other in some mysterious,<br> probably supernatural way that<br> they are NOT related to hesperornis,<br> a mystical way, even, unknowable &c. </TD> <TD align="center">Tinamou </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Neognathae<br>(New Jaws) </TD> <TD>"The neognaths have fused metacarpals, an<br> elongate third finger, and 13 or fewer vertebrae." </TD> <TD align="center">Chicken </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Neoaves<br>(New Birds) </TD> <TD>Consisting of all modern birds with the<br> exception of types like ratites, ducks,<br> and chickens, but why these are<br> excluded I'm not apparently allowed <br>to know probably because I'm bad. </TD> <TD align="center">Owl </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Aequorlitornithes<br>(Birds Of Calm Waters???) </TD> <TD>A clade of waterbirds which apparently<br> doesn't need to be described because of <br>a "compressive genomic systematic study<br> using nearly 200 species" which I don't<br> even care about. </TD> <TD align="center">Tufted Puffin </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Mirandornithes<br>(Miranda Birds???) </TD> <TD>"There are at least twelve distinct<br> morphological synapomorphies<br> that are unique to this clade:<br><br> 1. At least the fourth to seventh cervical<br> vertebrae strongly elongate, with processus<br> spinosus forming a marked ridge.<br> 2. Humerus with a marked oval depression<br> at insertion site of musculus<br> scapulohumeralis cranialis.<br> 3. At least 23 presacral vertebrae.<br> 4. At least four thoracic vertebrae fused<br> to a notarium.<br> 5. Distal end of ulna with marked<br> oval depression radialis.<br> 6. Phalanx proximalis digiti<br> majoris very elongate and narrow craniocaudally.<br> 7. Distal rim of condylus medialis<br> of tibiotarsus distinctly notched.<br> 8. Pars acetabularis of musculus<br> iliotibialis lateralis absent.<br> 9. Pars caudalis of musculus caudofemoralis absent.<br> 10. Wing with 12 primaries.<br> 11. Left arteria carotis reduced or absent.<br> 12. Eggs covered with a chalky<br> layer of amorphous calcium phosphate."<br><br> Whatever <i>that</i> means. </TD> <TD align="center">Grebe </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Phoenicopteriformes<br>(Phoenicopter Shaped???) </TD> <TD>A group comprising living flamingos<br> and their crazy extinct relatives, which isn't<br> interesting because WHAT ABOUT THE<br> DING-DONGING BONES TELLS YOU<br> THE RELATION BETWEEN THE <br>FLAMINGO AND, SAY, PALAELODUS </TD> <TD align="center">Palaelodus </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> </TR> <TR> <TD align="center">Phoenicopteridae<br>(Phoenicopter???) </TD> <TD>A family of pink wading birds which<br> are pink because they eat shrimp every<br> day of their dang lives. </TD> <TD align="center">Flamingo </TD> <TD align="center">Just Flamingos </TD> </TR> </TABLE> <p><a href=index.html>Golden Kings = Pineapples