I found an issue with almost all of my stories. It's a problem involving what I call the "Schranz Test," not to be confused with the "Schranz Test," a universally passable test determining, in a movie, novel, etc, whether there is a conversation between two men about something other than a woman, such as in the film Alien or the novel Little Women. No, a story fails this Schranz Test if it features violence, dying or death.

Below are two columns of my stories, categorized by which feature these three infinitesimal event-subsets, and which do not. I only realized this recently, what every other writer realized probably on their sixteenth birthday: the only reason there is ever violence in a story is to introduce conflict, although as all humans are well aware, violence is but the merest fang on the gigantic gorgon head of conflict. The only reason there is ever death in a story is to resolve conflict, even as resolution can take the shape of almost any mental object in the universe, such as a sunset, a tear, the forged will of an undead psychic, etc.

I also thought I'd written more stories. This is horrid.

Only the laziest, most-hacked out writers, such as your revoltingly prideful webmaster, would ever use the crutch of violence as often as this, and public self-shaming is the apex of clean living:

Titles Devoid of Violence, Dying, or Death Titles Featuring Violence, Dying, or Death
Bob White The Airplane God
Lavinia Notices Something All That Lives...
Pond-Husband Autojector
Poor Maxixe The Beast...
Sprinkles Saves Your Life Beast One
Sprinkles The Clown Bestiarius
Sprinkles Will Wreck Their Kites Billah Balillah
The Taste Blood Bond
Treasure The Boyle Bell
Canopic Jars
Cecily Garden
The Cellar Door
Charr and Chavroof
Cleave's Forest Whelks
Dance Of The Fools
The Dancing Mug
Day Of Destiny
De Slang
Dog, Ape, And Pheasant
Dog Catcher
De Masticatione...
Embitterment On The Bridge
Eve And Erling
Fatted Calf
The Fishists
A Gift
Hen Of The Woods
Highway Photograph
Historical Evaluations...
The House That Fed...
Impersonator Night
It Spits You Out
Kathleen Screaming
A Key On Her Finger
Knife Soup
The Knock At The Door
Land Of The Living
Last Drop
Little Voice
A Man Rode...
Membranous Hindwings
The Million Eyes
The Million Eyes
Miss Davis And The Binge
My Nautical Neighbor
The Net Is Torn...
Out Of The Wall
Pump Retrospective
The Pregnant Beggar
The Preparation For A Dive
Public Napkin
The Puker
Quartz Flask
Silverfarb The Vertical
The Strangling Fig At Selby
The Sudden Conversion...
The Summary Begins...
Taha Pajaha
Tantum Ambulabamus
Thus Quod Paradoxus
Tower Of The Sea-Witch
Untitled Black Metal Story
Untitled Leper Story
Venery In The Court of Nicholas
The Voice Of Temperance
Weerdinge III
Who Strangled Heskiya?
Wind Witch
Witch Puce
The Whisperer In The Woods
Wooden Thing
A Zombie

What Have I Done/Time To Close Up Shop