Johnson Mudde

I have an existentially challenged friend named Johnson Mudde, who you may know from the Peasantry Death Register. Here’s a few more things you ought to know about him.

He once got lockjaw from an undercooked sauce pie.

Due to his condition, Johnson Mudde was born in 2005, but died in 1697.

He doesn’t have a website, but if he did, it would be called

He and I share the same opinion about Facebook, and everything else that suits my purposes.

He’s currently writing a children’s story where a couple kids hear someone in their house repeating “Cut you! Cut you! Cut you!” but eventually discover it’s just someone sneezing.

I lied about him not having a website. It’s

In his children’s story, the two kids check the bathroom, where they find an owl on the windowsill asking them “who, who, who” is saying “cut you!”

He uses boiled ginger ale for shampoo, and rabbit spit for conditioner.

He once lost a boxing match with a famous entomologist.

His favorite dish is stem salad.

He eats his soup with a knife, and makes everyone he's dining with do the same.

For Christmas this year, Johnson Mudde is going to dress up as a crayon.

His bones are harder than baseball bats, but they're shaped all funny.

Johnson Mudde really wants to get the complete Styx box set in mono.

Famous Mudde's Potato Eyes won first prize in seventeen county fairs, and second in only one.

When Johnson goes to bed, he never dreams of anything but that he's a lost Protestant Reformer named Quodvultdeus Hauser.

Every one of Johnson Mudde's teeth is made out of something different.

Once he dreamt that Quodvultdeus Hauser, son of a priest, said to Martin Luther the evil of the clergy's vow of chastity, using his own existence as proof.

Johnson's favorite passtime is playing the "ungodly chest of whistles."

He coined the phrase, "punctual as a pussycat."

His favorite dish is a jar of hot watermelons.

He once went to bed empty handed, and woke up with the winning lotto numbers.

His favorite dish is dried jellies.

They all call him "Mr. Mudde" where he works, because he scares them if they don't.

He can't remember his own birthday, but remembers his birth in detail.

Johnson Mudde doesn't have a middle name, but if he did, it would probably be 'biting.'

Sure, he'll get you out of a jam, but he's so passive-agressive that afterwards he'll purposely get himself into a jam just to see if you'll help him.

He once had his finger bitten off in an existentially-charged hate-crime.

Johnson Mudde eats half a ton of alfalfa each day.

During the spring he flowers from his fingertips, and his skin goes dark green.

He was the first AND seventeenth man on Mercury.

He was born with three kidneys, and died with four.

Every time a bell rings, Johnson Mudde has to haul ass from Wingmart to Heaven.

He once put on a one-man stage adaptation of the entire Canterbury Tales, but died before he finished.

Johnson Mudde was convicted of sloth and the judge sentenced him to forty years to life of community service.

More lies