This Is Why I Didn't Update For The Meat Of May

Heat four yearblespoons of B.A.-in-fiction-writing-oil in a pan.

Peel one medium-sized job search and put it in that very pan.

Sprinkle some crashed hard drive all over.

Fry from May 13 to May 31. Eat that and then see what you can update.

I'm sorry, I totally don't mean to sound sarcastic. To celebrate my recent earning of a degree in fiction writing, let's examine my foray into poetry instead. Last year about this time I wrote one haiku a day for days and days. The idea was to eventually write a million haiku, by writing 137 a day for two decades, but I ended up writing fewer than three days-worth. I thought they were gone when my hard drive got totally broasted*, like so many of my other wonderful things. But I managed to find them. I wrote 299 of them, but don't worry. There are only forty-eight that made the world famous "Daily Doofus Cut."

Let us celebrate with haiku.

4. Drinking a liquid
Or eating a solid or
Breathing a gas, air.

9. Give me all your cash.
I'll buy something nice with it.
I won't pay you back.

36. I'm scared of the dark.
I'll tell you why, if you like.
I won't if you don't.

38. Three pens sit near me.
I do not know which ones work.
One does, the others might.

49. Nothing is more fun
than writing about one's self.
The first person's me.

50. The wind howls down
into my mouth, where it stays
until I exhale.

60. My eyes are bleary.
I'm turning into a cloud.
That sounds fine to me.

61. This is what happens
When you're told there's a fire
In the woods: nothing.

64. What color is the
skin around your eyes when you
think about the sun?

67. It's possible that
you never left, but instead
have right all along.

78. Grape soda for me
You are tart and poorly made
Why not drink you, though?

81. What sound does your breath
make when you don't want to breathe?
I hope it makes none!

86. You could go crazy
writing a million haiku.
You could go crazy.

95. If I can just think
of enough seventeen syl-
lable sentences...

98. Juggle my heart in
your hands while I stick diamond
needles in your groove.

114. My cats are at home.
All three of them all summer.
One kitten a month.

120. The clouds are dashing
around the sky like they saw
bigger, hungry clouds.

123. Tea takes 83
seconds in the microwave
to be hot enough.

127. My Turkish figs are
almost eaten up. What will
I do when they're gone?

128. There are one thousand
sixty-seven seeds in a
single Turkish fig.

137. This is great: one down
Seven thousand, two hundred,
ninety-eight to go.

138. I thought it would be
obvious to use a lock
and key to imply.

166. Wander with me to
the place where only orange
peels think to go.

169. Distressing enough
is the fact that we will all
one day be ocean.

170. Success is measured
in how many Turkish figs
a person can eat.

182. I am going to
find out if you can eat too
many Turkish figs.

183. Once upon a time,
there lived a maiden in a
quartz castle. The end.

184. Dreaming, my darling?
Be sure you don't dream about
The gorgon or wolf.

188. Beneath every bed
there is something that ought to
be thrown out at once.

189. I pick a lily
the stem gives me the finger
I didn't mean it.

192. The rain outside is
tapping on the window like
it wants to come in.

193. My three umbrellas:
Two of them are dirty, but
they all smell like smoke.

196. Medusa, Stheno,
and Euryale were the
three gorgon sisters.

197. A ringing of bells
is all it takes to wake some
people up each day.

198. The shape of Turkish
fig seeds are just like tiny
Turkish figs themselves.

205. It's hard to think of
anything better than a
seedy Turkish fig.

226. I hope this summer
is joyous and nice.
But why wouldn't I?

234. Make up haiku
in your head and write them down
when you remember.

235. There are raw eggs in
my brain and a general
graininess throughout.

238. I collect, (not on
purpose, they just show up) the
pebbles in my boots.

239. Dire flood warning
for tri-continent region.
Don't go for a swim.

242. To live as a bee:
this, the fate of the person
who drowns in honey.

255. All these wild swans
couldn't fly if their fake lives
depended on it.

268. I could have had a
Turkish fig this morning but
that didn't happen.

273. Orogeny is
the process of mountain-craft
or of upheaval.

288. Think about your toes
and fingers for too long and
they all shrivel off.

297. I can't deny
it anymore. This isn't
a dream. Turkish figs.

I thought of this one just now:

299. Baking potatoes
in the hot sun. I fought the
law, and the law won.

*Or "toasted"