Choose Who You Want

Here's one now:;
Subject: "U" Bloah
Date: Thu, 8 Nov 2012 12:12 AM

Dear Pete Schantz (aka Dagley the Dunce),

I wonder if mayhap I can trifle you with some reasonable questions that have emerged of recent in the fan communities. Under normal circumstances, I would venture a "guessproximate" of your own likely retorts to these plaguing matters, having spent an extensive period examining your witticisms and your internal brainwave patterns. However, needless to say, I am too busy at this time of year with last-minute preparations for DoofyCon in St. Lewis, unfortunate family obligations, prior scheduling, and bad conflicts. So I located the on my browzer with intentions of reaching your personal residence. Presumably, as a benevolent typist/orator of our time, you will/would comply in some fashion. The 5 most urgent inquiries were voted on by a nonprophet supreme council of established enthusiasts (The Doof Troop) in the same efficient process used in some countries to elect a papal monarchist. Please bear in mind that many rapturous audiences are eager to see your responses in article form posted under the "funnies" section on your netbook. Without further adieu, here are the selected puzzlers:

1. What are you doing when you're not supplying your subscribers with regular informative updates, and why is said activity more important to you than the education of the masses via webdiary?

2. How do you assure that your content, while on the razor-tip of taste, keeps its coveted G-rating?

3. How do you respond to allegations of your published sitepage's contents corrupting impressionable readers with yellow sensationalism and alarmist propaganda?

4. Is there any truth to the rumors that you have sold the film rights to the controversial biography of Johnson Mudde to Universal Mediums, Inc. and that the studio plans to begin production of a shocktackular 6-hour CGI-laden blockbuster epic in Spring of 2013? (If so... any casting ideas for Mudde and company?)

5. What is the "web"? Where is it located?

So, as I strongly forementioned, time is of the essence in this matter and I think you'll agree wholeheartedly that the people have waited long enough for some answers. I believe I speak for all of the universe when I say, thank you surely for your deliberacy.

Jon T. Thomas;
Subject: Re: "U" Bloah
Date: Thu, 8 Nov 2012 ????:???? AM

Dear Mr. Thomas,

Gotta say I'm a big fan but I don't know where you get the heck off telling me how to run my own site. Go improve some homes, you washup. Btw Kansas City is a wonderful town ftw.

I have five specific concrete points for each of your questions:

Firstly, here's what's on the schedule these days:

04:40 Brush teeth
07:00 Type
07:20 Anaerobics
13:00 Breakfast
19:00 Lunch
19:15 Brush teeth

As far as menu items are concerned, our specials for today are roast beef runoff, walnut surprise, and shad mammies, but I'll make sure to bring you a full menu for more CHOICES in a few days.

Speaking of which, hope you like the giant lawnless crumbling Soviet apartment blocks you're stuck in these days!


Peter Schranz, CEO, DD Enterprises

Let's Do It All Over Again