I'll Have The Ancestry

Thank you for coming to "I'll Do Your Ancestry." As a gesture of good faith, I went ahead and already did your ancestry, rather than try to convince you to pay me to do it:

These are two of your ancestors. They are not especially happy because they were taken advantage of by a northern quack who came to their town selling vials of liquid with labels that said "Doctor" Phineas Q. Stockinghope's Miracle Elixir. The recipe for this peculiar draught is lost to history, but in those days people were always drinking mercury-infused opiates or whatever, so the recipe can hopefully be ballparked.

I bet you didn't realize that your ancestors were from that part of the south that during the post-bellum period in our nation's history was overrun by northerners with all kinds of lies for sale. I do not realize that someone reading this document might not be from the same country as me, but from a country without a history of northern quacks.

This is a picture of me wearing finger-prophylactics while digging through your past:

I have silicon valley levels of tech-knowledge, which is how I came to determine that a long time ago there wasn't any such thing as photography. Before that, human beings otherwise exactly like us would draw pictures of the things they liked, for example, your mother's ancestors:

My Latin is rusty, but nobody ever tells me not to do anything, so here's what the text above your grandparents says in English: "The animal on the top, having a human head, also possesses a human mind, and understands just as well as us--or hell, agonizingly better than us--that its life will turn out in a very certain way, and that people with human bodies will be forced to treat it in a very certain way. I'd rather be the animal at the bottom, some kind of sweet kitten or something, who doesn't realize what's going on, not as well as the people do who watch it dragging its fifth and sixth feet through the dust of town."

Ancestry-doers like me seem to get a lot of enemies. This is a poster I found on the door of my apartment. No other door in my building had any other such poster. I think it's about me. I don't know German:

The further back we go in our history, the older we become. You now know that you are descended from vermin, which are actually an extremely important part of the ecosystem, as proven by several tracts I'm working on. The only way I can fund these tracts are by getting into the ancestry bizz. Vermin are my favorite subject and are not actually bad even though everyone thinks so. Buy my ancestry?

It comes as an ancestry package.