Top Ten

Lucky for me I write everything important on my palms. On my left hand, it says “get cream cheese.” On my right hand, it says, “TOP TEN.” Anyone who knows me knows I’m having a torrid love affair with lists. So here is my top ten:

10. Iron: If it weren’t for this particular metal, I would be out of a job this summer. This being the historical summer of ’09, I can’t find anyone to employ me unless I first buy a $143 dollar set of knives. I can’t find anyone to employ me, but I can find people to PAY me. I’m getting money for selling iron to this junkyard for five cents a pound. I sold 1,680 pounds to them so far. P.S., it wouldn’t be profitable if you, my fellow unemployables, tried it. Just let me handle it.

9. The Postal Service: I’m writing a story about these two dudes who start their own business in taking mail to the people of Landsfill County, Missouri, which is so rural that they have never received mail before in their lives, and they also live in hills underground. Don’t steal that idea either. It’s called “Charr & Chavroof, Postal Servants Extrordinaire,” Walter D. Chavroof being an anagram of ‘Howard Lovecraft’, and Stephen Z. Charr being an anagram of ‘Peter Schranz.’ So it’s pretty much just me and Lovecraft teaming up to get mail to the less fortunate.

8. Cats: I like cats because they aren’t very loud, except when they’re hungry. This is an easy problem to fix, and it involves giving them food, but I can’t remember the rest. The best cats are the old ones, who sit on your homework because you haven’t stopped them from doing it for nineteen years. While they make some kind of a nest out of your fifth grade division worksheet, they’re really just trying to give you a chance to take a break from your ass-like homework.

7. Gothic Rock: I was supposed to dedicate an entire issue of Thy Dialey Duphusse to this particular subgenre of alternative rock, (a subphylum of rock and roll), but it turns out that it would more accurately be described as #7. Gothic rock is my favorite genre. It was invented in 1999 by Marilyn Manson as a fusion of Emo and Death Metal. My favorite goth band is called “The Violence of Evil.”

6. Pump: No, I don’t mean the action plumbers make a living off of. I mean the so-obscure-it-doesn’t-exist genre of electronic music called “pump,” which I like just an inch more than goth rock, because I made it up, and nothing real can beat what I make up, except some of the following numbers on the list. Pump was invented in November of this year by the mysterious “DJ Pumpington,” as an offshoot of “house music”. It remained popular for all of the next decade until it started to become poserly and everyone started to think they liked it, but really just liked the new crappy bands that were being manufactured by the music industry, like “As I Fall,” and “I Fall Always.” But that’s not going to happen until 2018, so it’s definitely still hip as of this writing.

5. College: I go to Purchase College (whenever it's cold out) in Purchase, New York, right across from what happens to be the world headquarters of P*psi Cola Brand Cola Conglomocorp. On a subject that has nothing to do with what I just said, I like to drink C*ca Cola when I’m at home.

4. Enormous Businesses: My #4 has to be giant corporations who are the last places money should be going these days. Soft drink companies create a lot. They create strange goop out of corn, they create immense profit, and they also create huge hordes of unhealthy people who inject too much high fr*ctose corn syrup into their gizzards. But, as an admitted Coke addict, I find my association with the brand to be just such a convenient way to achieve an identity.

3. Juggling: I am the best juggler on the planet, and if you think you’re better, please send me a detailed, step-by-step description of what you can do, and I will decide for myself.

2. A gradual loss of momentum: This is very important to me.

1. I don’t know, you.

Go Away