How to properly title your alarmist non-fiction book

Most importantly, your title needs to be short and snappy. It has to use words that make people need to change their pants like “Catastrophe,” or “No Return.” It is also a good idea to make up words that, while meaningless, could easily make people who come across them feel really stupid, like “Obamacracy.”

Secondly, a colon is required, as people need an organ which causes a need for pants-changing. The colon must be followed by a really, really long explanation of your book’s contents that takes up half the cover, like “How the digital revolution changed Washington – for the worse,” or “What the pharmaceutical industry isn’t telling you about the meat industry’s ties to the CIA, the Stonemasons, and Wall Street.”

Here are some titles I made up to get you started:

Swindled!: How the democrats are playing rough with your dollar (and what you can do about it)
The "Greed" Party: A Gen-Xer's guide to living environmentally through the millenial bubble crash
The iPodcalypse: What the technocrats aren't telling you about your favorite gadgets
Subtitled: Why non-fiction books give a long-winded explanation of their subject, effectively rendering the short, snappy titles a complete waste of space.

For more ideas, visit's non-fiction bestseller list, and you’ll see why you just won’t make it in the 21st century non-fiction business without a big fat colon to back you up.

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