Too Smart? Act Like A Dick!

Think I can’t prove that nobody really finds intelligence attractive, and that everybody’s just pretending so they don’t seem completely superficial? Well, answer this question: why do unbelievably moronic people still exist? Shouldn't they have been bred into oblivion? If we, as human beings, truly had the hots for smart people, Jean-Paul Sartre would have been the happiest man alive and Paris H*lt*n would be begging for food in a piss-soaked corner. The black truth is, people aren’t attracted to intelligence. The easier-swallowed truth is that people are attracted to whatever makes them excited and happy. Existentialism generally makes people sad. Pretty idiots who couldn’t ever dream of threatening us intellectually generally make people happy. Not happy like, “I’m so glad you listen to me, you’re a real friend,” happy like, “You never listen to me! What are you thinking about instead that’s so mysterious and sexy and… and, hey, what are we fighting about? Why don’t we have a couple idiotic children instead?”

Sorry, if you want intimate companionship, no one will fall for your brilliance. Interesting/captivating ideas are a real turn off to any sex you’re trying to attract. If you think of attraction as hunger, by pretending to be cold and distant, and also intriguing and complex at the exact same time, whoever is interested in you will actually be interested in whatever they think you are really about. To find exactly what it is about you that they are interested in, they will pry and pry until they either:

1. Discover that they can’t crack your unbreakable shell of mystery and leave you, then complain about you to their friends for a few weeks before finding somebody exactly the same as you, or…
2. Find out that you actually do care about them, and, upon discovering such, completely lose attraction and drop you like a vomiting rat holding a dozen roses. At this point they will fail to complain about you whatsoever, and find a cold, distant, mysterious douche, and then leave them so that they can complain to their friends about them.

It’s all true. The only advice I and all the internet-bestowed authority I can muster can give you is to starve whoever it is you’re interested in for affection until that point when they think you’ve just propositioned them after they sneeze and you say “bless you.”

This is the only way to gain respect in the twenty-first century.

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